Something is Undoing Both of Us.
I need it. I really need it.
He has a desperate look as we greet each other. A look of I’m sick and tired of being like this! The energy is thick. There is a sense of emotional overload, volcanoes rearing to erupt, rivers of tears ready to break the dam. There is also a sense of fatigue of trying to hold it all together as well as a fear of falling apart. What if I lose it all? What if things only get worse? I hear the voice of the subconscious screaming through his body.
I am nervous. I feel all of his feelings echo in me. Still I’m calm. Somehow I know I can trust the process. I’ve been there, I’ve done it before.
He is early and helps me to set up a suspension point. He offers more help, acting like a gentleman. It feels that these are his final attempts to “act like a man.” He is exhausted. His feminine screams to be felt.
We start. He is kneeling. I breathe with him. I introduce him to my rope as I firmly embrace his body with it, without knowing where we’re headed next. Freeing him from the need to do anything or even to maintain awareness of his surroundings, I invite him into a deep meditative state, where he can just be himself. A bondage scene is meant to be a liberating experience.
I draw the texture of the ropes slowly across his skin before suddenly yanking them tight in an authoritative way. He responds to it well. I sense that he trusts my ability to hold the space while guiding him into it. His deeply repressed feelings are starting to reveal themselves as he screams and cries.
A lot comes out. A real lot. What comes from him goes through me. What goes through me provokes my own deep insecurities. I can sense that some of his inner struggles are also unresolved in me, and it becomes challenging to hold the space for it all. To keep my focus in the eye of the storm requires tremendous effort.
When I lean into feeling the energy we share, it is reflected as a familiar voice in me that I tend to ignore: “I’m lost. I’m confused. I’m scared. This life is meaningless. My existence is meaningless!” There is a struggle. The logical mind says “It’s not true. Things are fine! Your life is beautiful. You shouldn’t complain! Stay positive!” My inner child struggling with my rational mind. No resolution is possible. I know that’s what he feels, too.
We keep moving with rope bondage from the floor toward suspension. More emotions come through, more anger, more hatred, more fear, more confusion. I see that, more than anything, he needs my masculine presence so that his feminine can finally be seen, with all her feelings.
Yet I feel weaker. I grow pessimistic. I start to get lost in my own web of thoughts. I’m not prepared for it! I can't take it anymore! It’s too much! I can’t even lift him up in the suspension, I’m too small, he is too big... this whole situation is too big for me! He came to see me hoping I’ll resolve it, but who am I to do it? I’m just as lost! It’s so sad to disappoint him like this!.
I am tying him and crying. He is blindfolded so I can allow myself to fall apart. It’s my turn to surrender deeper. Me, this little human with a ton of insecurities, I can’t handle it. I’m breathing loudly to keep on moving through our feelings, my body is aching, my emotions are storming, my face feels distorted in all sorts of grimaces. Thank god for the blindfold he’s wearing! More and more of it keeps coming.
Finally, I give up. I embrace him. He is in my ropes but I feel trapped, held fast in bonds, I’m out of moves, no possibility for transcendence, it’s too much, it’s overwhelming. It feels like holding the weight of the suffering of the whole of humanity upon my shoulders. I can’t do it anymore.
Out of my own devastation, I pray. I ask the higher power for guidance. For protection. I beg to be the vessel for it, as this little human is too exhausted to play God. I don’t expect anything. I just give up and pray.
I grab my ocean drum. I hold the instrument by its frame and roll my wrists tilts the drum gently in every direction. The metal beads inside roll over the bottom membrane sounding like waves crashing on the shore. I play it all around him as he hangs, half-suspended, pulled upwards by his chest, one knee and one foot still on the ground. He is raging and crying. I feel into all these challenging energies surging from within and it feels like I’m cooking them in a giant pot. They mix together and become like volcanic waves.
The waves start flowing somewhere and there appears a sense of direction. I somehow find him lifted off the floor and fully suspended. He is floating and he becomes quiet. I feel a sense of slowing down. I step aside to give myself a moment of rest. The energies within me are also subsiding. It’s like I’m doing it all for both of us. More accurately, something is undoing both of us, as I witness.
Now there is a space within, a freedom from our old emotional baggage, old identifications, old beliefs.
I finally feel the urge to wrap things up with a gentle fetal position suspension. As he swings in circles like a pendulum, while curled up in a ball, I use my wind chimes to play around his head. The energy is calm and kind. As I hear the soothing bells, I sense the powerful alchemy of the sublimation of gross energies into higher realms. It’s like all the gross energies that went through us were just converted into the sweet sounds of wind chimes, dissolving in the infinite to become empty and quiet.
~ Read the most recent testimonial to learn about his experience.